and to help you remember

he was beautiful

but he called you selfish.

he supported you

but hated your world.

he loved you.

but did not appreciate you.

he loved you.

because you loved him.

please, just dont forget.

there was never an apology for the behavior. for putting you in danger. for the pain and the anxiety or anything. NO APOLOGIES.

please, dont forget.

sometimes its sad.

sometimes I wish, nobody ever changed.

monday mornings are always going to be difficult. because the week ahead is not love, it will be work, and it will be different. and i miss him. not him now, the guy with issues. i miss him.

growing up

“Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up.”

The Wonder Years

Today is my birthday!!

happy birthday :D

Hitting 30 is anti climactic. I'm still alive, I look in the mirror and still look ok, and I have so many friends, and my fam is showing me love and its all good. I used to say that, just to feel better and now its my Truth. And I am happy :D

I still wish for Love. but Love has always showed up in my life and with my truth, I can find the strength to believe, have faith, let go and let God. CLICHE Alert!! But its true. Let go, Let God. That is the only way to be free, give up the control.

We are all here for a reason and at this point, I probably don't really know it yet, but THAT IS OK. That there is a morning and a new beginning every single day means that God still has a purpose for me here, and I willl listen to my heart as much as I can to figure it out.

I will live, and I will live fabulously. And Love will save the day. I know it.


April 24, 2010

hey, i now have RESTRAINT!!

It helps that all hell is breaking loose at work, and I only have a few hours to FLIP OUT, and those few hours can be filled by nonsense things, and that next week Im flying away so there is something to look forward to. And that we spoke briefly today and he sounds really ok, I mean, I can actually GO.

At least Im not DYING of sadness.

Thank You Lord.

honesty

can i just be honest and quit this single empowerment bullshit.

I can't breathe.

I'm always 5 seconds away from wanting to call him to come back.

I feel HORRIBLE and I've just spent the last three weeks taking care of myself, taking vitamins, resting.

There is an actual PAIN in my heart that's physically unbearable.

This feels like the worst it can get, and I am hoping I am right because any more of this and I'll flip out.

I am in no mood to do anything, even if this morning I will be one step closer to moving into MY OWN HOUSE which was my absolute dream.

Please let this be rock bottom.

and on other things...

so what did I want to be before all this happened, anyway? everyone says, NOW is your chance to do all the stuff you've always wanted to do. What's kind of annoying about that is all this time, I've been doing the stuff I've always wanted to do anyway. It's not like I've been PROHIBITED to do anything. So its anti-climactic...

But ok, here's the stuff I've always wanted to do.

> illustrate a children's book.
> go to New York and visit John Lennon's apartment.
> go to Liverpool.
> get married to a rock star.

I think that's it. What the hell, I could have done that all these years. Except the get married to a rockstar bit. FAIL.