oops.

my goodness. i thought he would change. stupid stupid stupid.

you know how a couple of posts ago I said that love and loving someone feels more ''complete''? its true you know. it was great. it was fabulous. until he flipped out again and i just ended up flat on my face.

at least i am not left with nothing. i have a couple of things to do, be, think about. its just SAD and FRUSTRATING and altogether HOPELESS. Despair is knocking on my door. At least its not banging it down.

One week. Then one month. Then another. and this will go away. Please Lord, I have no other options left. I tried to Love. I will try again, with someone much better. Someday.

i think its more than one month in.

and im still alive.

he's still alive.

im not dying of sadness anymore, except for a few moments.

it helps to understand, that he is right now absolutely not ready for anything.

it also helps, that i am right now not ready for what he has going on.

that this has gone on too long for this to be a glitch in the matrix.

i can go to sleep now, pretty easily. i can wake up, with just a little pang in the morning.

and then it goes away for a while.

and i am still thankful for my friends, my work, my family.

and i am in limbo, but i am moving on.

even if i feel like going back sometimes, i remember, and i stop myself. i remember all those things, and i remember who i am, and i know what I deserve.

i miss him, because loving someone i still believe is the height of our humanity. and i only feel that with him. for now.

and to help you remember

he was beautiful

but he called you selfish.

he supported you

but hated your world.

he loved you.

but did not appreciate you.

he loved you.

because you loved him.

please, just dont forget.

there was never an apology for the behavior. for putting you in danger. for the pain and the anxiety or anything. NO APOLOGIES.

please, dont forget.

sometimes its sad.

sometimes I wish, nobody ever changed.

monday mornings are always going to be difficult. because the week ahead is not love, it will be work, and it will be different. and i miss him. not him now, the guy with issues. i miss him.

growing up

“Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up.”

The Wonder Years

Today is my birthday!!

happy birthday :D

Hitting 30 is anti climactic. I'm still alive, I look in the mirror and still look ok, and I have so many friends, and my fam is showing me love and its all good. I used to say that, just to feel better and now its my Truth. And I am happy :D

I still wish for Love. but Love has always showed up in my life and with my truth, I can find the strength to believe, have faith, let go and let God. CLICHE Alert!! But its true. Let go, Let God. That is the only way to be free, give up the control.

We are all here for a reason and at this point, I probably don't really know it yet, but THAT IS OK. That there is a morning and a new beginning every single day means that God still has a purpose for me here, and I willl listen to my heart as much as I can to figure it out.

I will live, and I will live fabulously. And Love will save the day. I know it.


April 24, 2010

hey, i now have RESTRAINT!!

It helps that all hell is breaking loose at work, and I only have a few hours to FLIP OUT, and those few hours can be filled by nonsense things, and that next week Im flying away so there is something to look forward to. And that we spoke briefly today and he sounds really ok, I mean, I can actually GO.

At least Im not DYING of sadness.

Thank You Lord.