so heres what happened since the last post

his father passed away
his mother was sent to the mental hospital

all those horrible things that he was scared would happen actually happened

and it made him stop freaking out

i couldnt leave someone going through that. hell, ok, i didnt want to. there was a natural tendency, to STAY. and SUPPORT. and HELP. and LOVE.

and all i really wanted was to chill out and work it out for a year and heal all the wounds from 2010.

then I got pregnant.

then, I lost the baby.

And now Im just working through a depression that is nobody's fault, nobody is acting out, not even me, the depression is just THERE and I know that its going to take a long time for me to be really happy again.

Suddenly nothing matters anymore. Someday I will understand why this all happened.

to my little peanut

I dreamt of you forever
Seems like all I really was doing
was waiting for you.

And you arrived,
waved hello,
and left.

and now I just wait
for you to come back

i love you my little peanut

oops.

my goodness. i thought he would change. stupid stupid stupid.

you know how a couple of posts ago I said that love and loving someone feels more ''complete''? its true you know. it was great. it was fabulous. until he flipped out again and i just ended up flat on my face.

at least i am not left with nothing. i have a couple of things to do, be, think about. its just SAD and FRUSTRATING and altogether HOPELESS. Despair is knocking on my door. At least its not banging it down.

One week. Then one month. Then another. and this will go away. Please Lord, I have no other options left. I tried to Love. I will try again, with someone much better. Someday.

i think its more than one month in.

and im still alive.

he's still alive.

im not dying of sadness anymore, except for a few moments.

it helps to understand, that he is right now absolutely not ready for anything.

it also helps, that i am right now not ready for what he has going on.

that this has gone on too long for this to be a glitch in the matrix.

i can go to sleep now, pretty easily. i can wake up, with just a little pang in the morning.

and then it goes away for a while.

and i am still thankful for my friends, my work, my family.

and i am in limbo, but i am moving on.

even if i feel like going back sometimes, i remember, and i stop myself. i remember all those things, and i remember who i am, and i know what I deserve.

i miss him, because loving someone i still believe is the height of our humanity. and i only feel that with him. for now.

and to help you remember

he was beautiful

but he called you selfish.

he supported you

but hated your world.

he loved you.

but did not appreciate you.

he loved you.

because you loved him.

please, just dont forget.

there was never an apology for the behavior. for putting you in danger. for the pain and the anxiety or anything. NO APOLOGIES.

please, dont forget.

sometimes its sad.

sometimes I wish, nobody ever changed.

monday mornings are always going to be difficult. because the week ahead is not love, it will be work, and it will be different. and i miss him. not him now, the guy with issues. i miss him.

growing up

“Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up.”

The Wonder Years