i know you are here.
i can feel you.
i loved you from the beginning of time itself.
and i will love you forever.
mommy loves you.
daddy loves you.
we promised we will give you a better body this time
and mommy is trying very very hard.
I'll see you soon my baby.
Monday, January 23, 2012
resolutions
it's another year. and guess what?
my little peanut came back :) well, at least I HOPE he did.
I'm sitting/lying here on my sofa, on bedrest for another week with a protruding tummy and whole day nausea. It's glorious. I love it. and I pray every night that this time God will deem me worthy of the awesome miracle of life <3 please Jesus, please I hope Nemo shows up next Saturday.
In the meantime, we planned/unplanned for a Baguio wedding, now we wait for Sat to know what we're doing next in that department. It matters less than the little seed inside of me right now. I have decided that this is the man I will love forever. Ups, Downs and Sideways included. It is a choice, love is always a choice. And I choose.
Now I'm just trying not to stress or be scared. After what happened to peanut, I should be FREAKING OUT but I'm strangely calm. I know in my heart that I have given and will continue to give what it takes for this baby to grow and come out into this beautiful world, there will absolutely be no regrets. It is the year of the dragon, 2012 and it is time to resolve.
my little peanut came back :) well, at least I HOPE he did.
I'm sitting/lying here on my sofa, on bedrest for another week with a protruding tummy and whole day nausea. It's glorious. I love it. and I pray every night that this time God will deem me worthy of the awesome miracle of life <3 please Jesus, please I hope Nemo shows up next Saturday.
In the meantime, we planned/unplanned for a Baguio wedding, now we wait for Sat to know what we're doing next in that department. It matters less than the little seed inside of me right now. I have decided that this is the man I will love forever. Ups, Downs and Sideways included. It is a choice, love is always a choice. And I choose.
Now I'm just trying not to stress or be scared. After what happened to peanut, I should be FREAKING OUT but I'm strangely calm. I know in my heart that I have given and will continue to give what it takes for this baby to grow and come out into this beautiful world, there will absolutely be no regrets. It is the year of the dragon, 2012 and it is time to resolve.
Friday, January 28, 2011
so heres what happened since the last post
his father passed away
his mother was sent to the mental hospital
all those horrible things that he was scared would happen actually happened
and it made him stop freaking out
i couldnt leave someone going through that. hell, ok, i didnt want to. there was a natural tendency, to STAY. and SUPPORT. and HELP. and LOVE.
and all i really wanted was to chill out and work it out for a year and heal all the wounds from 2010.
then I got pregnant.
then, I lost the baby.
And now Im just working through a depression that is nobody's fault, nobody is acting out, not even me, the depression is just THERE and I know that its going to take a long time for me to be really happy again.
Suddenly nothing matters anymore. Someday I will understand why this all happened.
his father passed away
his mother was sent to the mental hospital
all those horrible things that he was scared would happen actually happened
and it made him stop freaking out
i couldnt leave someone going through that. hell, ok, i didnt want to. there was a natural tendency, to STAY. and SUPPORT. and HELP. and LOVE.
and all i really wanted was to chill out and work it out for a year and heal all the wounds from 2010.
then I got pregnant.
then, I lost the baby.
And now Im just working through a depression that is nobody's fault, nobody is acting out, not even me, the depression is just THERE and I know that its going to take a long time for me to be really happy again.
Suddenly nothing matters anymore. Someday I will understand why this all happened.
to my little peanut
I dreamt of you forever
Seems like all I really was doing
was waiting for you.
And you arrived,
waved hello,
and left.
and now I just wait
for you to come back
i love you my little peanut
Seems like all I really was doing
was waiting for you.
And you arrived,
waved hello,
and left.
and now I just wait
for you to come back
i love you my little peanut
Friday, July 9, 2010
oops.
my goodness. i thought he would change. stupid stupid stupid.
you know how a couple of posts ago I said that love and loving someone feels more ''complete''? its true you know. it was great. it was fabulous. until he flipped out again and i just ended up flat on my face.
at least i am not left with nothing. i have a couple of things to do, be, think about. its just SAD and FRUSTRATING and altogether HOPELESS. Despair is knocking on my door. At least its not banging it down.
One week. Then one month. Then another. and this will go away. Please Lord, I have no other options left. I tried to Love. I will try again, with someone much better. Someday.
you know how a couple of posts ago I said that love and loving someone feels more ''complete''? its true you know. it was great. it was fabulous. until he flipped out again and i just ended up flat on my face.
at least i am not left with nothing. i have a couple of things to do, be, think about. its just SAD and FRUSTRATING and altogether HOPELESS. Despair is knocking on my door. At least its not banging it down.
One week. Then one month. Then another. and this will go away. Please Lord, I have no other options left. I tried to Love. I will try again, with someone much better. Someday.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
i think its more than one month in.
and im still alive.
he's still alive.
im not dying of sadness anymore, except for a few moments.
it helps to understand, that he is right now absolutely not ready for anything.
it also helps, that i am right now not ready for what he has going on.
that this has gone on too long for this to be a glitch in the matrix.
i can go to sleep now, pretty easily. i can wake up, with just a little pang in the morning.
and then it goes away for a while.
and i am still thankful for my friends, my work, my family.
and i am in limbo, but i am moving on.
even if i feel like going back sometimes, i remember, and i stop myself. i remember all those things, and i remember who i am, and i know what I deserve.
i miss him, because loving someone i still believe is the height of our humanity. and i only feel that with him. for now.
and im still alive.
he's still alive.
im not dying of sadness anymore, except for a few moments.
it helps to understand, that he is right now absolutely not ready for anything.
it also helps, that i am right now not ready for what he has going on.
that this has gone on too long for this to be a glitch in the matrix.
i can go to sleep now, pretty easily. i can wake up, with just a little pang in the morning.
and then it goes away for a while.
and i am still thankful for my friends, my work, my family.
and i am in limbo, but i am moving on.
even if i feel like going back sometimes, i remember, and i stop myself. i remember all those things, and i remember who i am, and i know what I deserve.
i miss him, because loving someone i still believe is the height of our humanity. and i only feel that with him. for now.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
and to help you remember
he was beautiful
but he called you selfish.
he supported you
but hated your world.
he loved you.
but did not appreciate you.
he loved you.
because you loved him.
please, just dont forget.
there was never an apology for the behavior. for putting you in danger. for the pain and the anxiety or anything. NO APOLOGIES.
please, dont forget.
but he called you selfish.
he supported you
but hated your world.
he loved you.
but did not appreciate you.
he loved you.
because you loved him.
please, just dont forget.
there was never an apology for the behavior. for putting you in danger. for the pain and the anxiety or anything. NO APOLOGIES.
please, dont forget.
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