It's 3:50 am

And I can't go back to sleep after my regular pregnant nap

Nemo likes the night, he/she is a regular mona lisa or mad hatter :) I love you Nemo

After an entire day of puking or thinking of puking, I am finally just...hungry. But food is just so disgusting. I hate and love food at the same time. I'm nuts

First few weeks I just felt I was on acid, and then bad trip from mushrooms, and now that dizzy feeling right before you go into the k-hole. I'm waiting to see what trip this pregnancy will give me next :) I'm pretty sure at the end of these 9 months it will totally be a huge dose of ecstasy, although I've never had that one before.

I just hope the entire second trim, which is coming soon, will just be a gentle little weed buzz. Geez I'm comparing pregnancy to drugs. It IS 3:50 am

Oh and I apparently have sticky blood that coagulates easily. Damn You Salazarrr!! I hope that doesn't mean little Nemo isn't getting food. Well I'm now on even more pills to help my weird sticky blood situation.

I'm just going to blog the rest of my pregnancy. Going through internet forums just freak me out, with all these PROBLEMS that pop up. Let's keep POSITIVE!!! Little Nemo is fine, wriggling inside (I can feel it! weird huh. K Hole.) and I pray everyday. All I need to do is be a good momma. And THAT I Can do. I will do. I promise Neems! Mommy loves you, Daddy loves you.

Speaking of Daddy, he is an absolute gem and a blessing these days. He sits around and waits for me to bark orders. I am writing this so I will not forget once he gets all annoying again. This song he sang made me cry yesterday. HORMONES!!! and I also cried during Twilight, when Edward left Bella. And when Cameron Mitchell quit the Glee Project. Real Cry, like I was REALLY hurt. HORMONES!!

Goodnight! We need to rest neems, I don't want another HEADACHE FEST tomorrow! Luv yah.

pregnancy blues

I am writing this so I will read this in 7 months or so and laugh out loud. Right now nothing is actually funny as I spend all day puking, thinking of puking or trying not to puke. The whole entire day. Then I'm up all night worrying how my baby is, if all is ok, if this or that is normal...just everyday scared pukey and afraid to hope. I try to fix the wedding to distract myself but that also makes me scared pukey and afraid to hope.

All this for my little Nemo though so it is ok! I will survive! :) I love you little Nemo, hang in there for mommy and I will see you in a few months. Mommy loves you, Daddy loves you <3

my beautiful little nemo

i know you are here.
i can feel you.
i loved you from the beginning of time itself.
and i will love you forever.
mommy loves you.
daddy loves you.
we promised we will give you a better body this time
and mommy is trying very very hard.
I'll see you soon my baby.

resolutions

it's another year. and guess what?
my little peanut came back :) well, at least I HOPE he did.

I'm sitting/lying here on my sofa, on bedrest for another week with a protruding tummy and whole day nausea. It's glorious. I love it. and I pray every night that this time God will deem me worthy of the awesome miracle of life <3 please Jesus, please I hope Nemo shows up next Saturday.

In the meantime, we planned/unplanned for a Baguio wedding, now we wait for Sat to know what we're doing next in that department. It matters less than the little seed inside of me right now. I have decided that this is the man I will love forever. Ups, Downs and Sideways included. It is a choice, love is always a choice. And I choose.

Now I'm just trying not to stress or be scared. After what happened to peanut, I should be FREAKING OUT but I'm strangely calm. I know in my heart that I have given and will continue to give what it takes for this baby to grow and come out into this beautiful world, there will absolutely be no regrets. It is the year of the dragon, 2012 and it is time to resolve.

so heres what happened since the last post

his father passed away
his mother was sent to the mental hospital

all those horrible things that he was scared would happen actually happened

and it made him stop freaking out

i couldnt leave someone going through that. hell, ok, i didnt want to. there was a natural tendency, to STAY. and SUPPORT. and HELP. and LOVE.

and all i really wanted was to chill out and work it out for a year and heal all the wounds from 2010.

then I got pregnant.

then, I lost the baby.

And now Im just working through a depression that is nobody's fault, nobody is acting out, not even me, the depression is just THERE and I know that its going to take a long time for me to be really happy again.

Suddenly nothing matters anymore. Someday I will understand why this all happened.

to my little peanut

I dreamt of you forever
Seems like all I really was doing
was waiting for you.

And you arrived,
waved hello,
and left.

and now I just wait
for you to come back

i love you my little peanut

oops.

my goodness. i thought he would change. stupid stupid stupid.

you know how a couple of posts ago I said that love and loving someone feels more ''complete''? its true you know. it was great. it was fabulous. until he flipped out again and i just ended up flat on my face.

at least i am not left with nothing. i have a couple of things to do, be, think about. its just SAD and FRUSTRATING and altogether HOPELESS. Despair is knocking on my door. At least its not banging it down.

One week. Then one month. Then another. and this will go away. Please Lord, I have no other options left. I tried to Love. I will try again, with someone much better. Someday.