oops.

my goodness. i thought he would change. stupid stupid stupid.

you know how a couple of posts ago I said that love and loving someone feels more ''complete''? its true you know. it was great. it was fabulous. until he flipped out again and i just ended up flat on my face.

at least i am not left with nothing. i have a couple of things to do, be, think about. its just SAD and FRUSTRATING and altogether HOPELESS. Despair is knocking on my door. At least its not banging it down.

One week. Then one month. Then another. and this will go away. Please Lord, I have no other options left. I tried to Love. I will try again, with someone much better. Someday.

i think its more than one month in.

and im still alive.

he's still alive.

im not dying of sadness anymore, except for a few moments.

it helps to understand, that he is right now absolutely not ready for anything.

it also helps, that i am right now not ready for what he has going on.

that this has gone on too long for this to be a glitch in the matrix.

i can go to sleep now, pretty easily. i can wake up, with just a little pang in the morning.

and then it goes away for a while.

and i am still thankful for my friends, my work, my family.

and i am in limbo, but i am moving on.

even if i feel like going back sometimes, i remember, and i stop myself. i remember all those things, and i remember who i am, and i know what I deserve.

i miss him, because loving someone i still believe is the height of our humanity. and i only feel that with him. for now.

and to help you remember

he was beautiful

but he called you selfish.

he supported you

but hated your world.

he loved you.

but did not appreciate you.

he loved you.

because you loved him.

please, just dont forget.

there was never an apology for the behavior. for putting you in danger. for the pain and the anxiety or anything. NO APOLOGIES.

please, dont forget.

sometimes its sad.

sometimes I wish, nobody ever changed.

monday mornings are always going to be difficult. because the week ahead is not love, it will be work, and it will be different. and i miss him. not him now, the guy with issues. i miss him.

growing up

“Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up.”

The Wonder Years

Today is my birthday!!

happy birthday :D

Hitting 30 is anti climactic. I'm still alive, I look in the mirror and still look ok, and I have so many friends, and my fam is showing me love and its all good. I used to say that, just to feel better and now its my Truth. And I am happy :D

I still wish for Love. but Love has always showed up in my life and with my truth, I can find the strength to believe, have faith, let go and let God. CLICHE Alert!! But its true. Let go, Let God. That is the only way to be free, give up the control.

We are all here for a reason and at this point, I probably don't really know it yet, but THAT IS OK. That there is a morning and a new beginning every single day means that God still has a purpose for me here, and I willl listen to my heart as much as I can to figure it out.

I will live, and I will live fabulously. And Love will save the day. I know it.


April 24, 2010

hey, i now have RESTRAINT!!

It helps that all hell is breaking loose at work, and I only have a few hours to FLIP OUT, and those few hours can be filled by nonsense things, and that next week Im flying away so there is something to look forward to. And that we spoke briefly today and he sounds really ok, I mean, I can actually GO.

At least Im not DYING of sadness.

Thank You Lord.

honesty

can i just be honest and quit this single empowerment bullshit.

I can't breathe.

I'm always 5 seconds away from wanting to call him to come back.

I feel HORRIBLE and I've just spent the last three weeks taking care of myself, taking vitamins, resting.

There is an actual PAIN in my heart that's physically unbearable.

This feels like the worst it can get, and I am hoping I am right because any more of this and I'll flip out.

I am in no mood to do anything, even if this morning I will be one step closer to moving into MY OWN HOUSE which was my absolute dream.

Please let this be rock bottom.

and on other things...

so what did I want to be before all this happened, anyway? everyone says, NOW is your chance to do all the stuff you've always wanted to do. What's kind of annoying about that is all this time, I've been doing the stuff I've always wanted to do anyway. It's not like I've been PROHIBITED to do anything. So its anti-climactic...

But ok, here's the stuff I've always wanted to do.

> illustrate a children's book.
> go to New York and visit John Lennon's apartment.
> go to Liverpool.
> get married to a rock star.

I think that's it. What the hell, I could have done that all these years. Except the get married to a rockstar bit. FAIL.

backtrack

okay, i'm starting to think a little more rationally.

And figured, I'll just let it go.

and start praying.

and have a little more faith.

that the universe will unfold as it should.

Cliches

I am at the denial stage i think (thats a cliche right there)

Id like to think that at some point this will all get better and everything will be back to normal -- but a more enlightened normal. I am shifting back and forth between ''that's it, this will just not work out and im lucky to have been given this exit'' to ''this is just a test and we will get better and we will get back into the groove and have that life I always thought we would''

its highly confusing. i know no one is reading this, but if anyone is, I can hear you think ''she's one of those girls who can't help but keep falling for bad boys'' - cliche, but I hear it all the time. And everytime I hear it - from people's snide remarks about being with someone with no job, to concerned friends wanting me to ''take care of myself'', it sounds so REMOVED from the reality of the relationship. Maybe I'm as deluded as the person I wrote to in my last post. I hope not.

I just need to learn from this experience and stop PLANNING things. PLAN PLAN PLAN. I need to get back to that version of me that sticks her finger in the air and decides what to do based on vibes. So far my vibe is.....I dont even know. I cant even read it. DAMMMMMN.

Here it is. My vibe is, I will always look for him. Always. If not me, my soul will. There is dark alleyway off to the side, where I have been given an entrance to walk through and it leads to I DONT KNOW WHAT. I have two fears as to where it leads. (1) It leads to me eventually compromising what my soul wants and settling for a FABULOUS life with some guy because that is what society wants me to do. (2) It leads me to dying alone in my home with my turtle.

The thing is, the other path, is also not so SAFE. At this point, I have no idea if he will break down again. I have no idea if I will end up 35 years old and look back, and wish I went down the alleyway. All I know is that my Soul feels at home. And I am here, making a home, and it does not feel right without him.

Deluded, deluded.

can i just say this

so i can let it out.

PLEASE, let it go. How dare you think this was my fault - you have no idea what it takes to be here and to try and make it work. You think you're so smart, but you have no idea.

He does not want to be with you. You heard that from him NINE YEARS AGO. Seriously, let it go. People think you are a good person, I think you are a good person, but you are just DELUDED and SAD.

Its so easy to blame me. You hate me anyway. But try and take a look at yourself, and think of what you are doing. You are contributing to the problem MUCH MORE than I ever did. I wasn't even THERE.

You think you can do so much better than me? Well here's your chance. But here's a big F#CK YOU for blaming me for all of this. GET. A. LIFE.

That Boy

c'mon. im a girl, and no matter how ''independent'' i think i am or make myself to be, in the end it boils down to the boy that i love. and thats the problem

he is beautiful, troubled, intelligent, and all over rock n roll. I fell in love hard and fast and haven't stopped falling in love since. we have been together for YEARS now. YEARS. and it feels like he's a new boy, you know, how excited you are to see your new boy?

we were going to get married. at least, i really thought so. that was the dream, a whole life ahead together, not the goddamn WEDDING, but the life together was super duper exciting. in retrospect it may have been something we did to get somewhere, we have been floating along for years and not really going anywhere. i could have floated along forever with that guy.

but the important thing in getting married, is that you are two WHOLE people getting married. that was not the case here. we were both kind of HALF and even if Im all into my career and Ive advanced in leaps in bounds in what I was doing with my life, he was stuck somewhere in 1999. Like one of those out-of-college people who take four years deciding what they want to do and in the meantime are in limbo? CUTE when you are 20. A little difficult at 33.

I knew it. All these CAREER moves and fixing my life and trying to be part of the establishment was going to drive us apart. Not because i was making more money. that was not the issue. It was because i am exposed to a world of stability and security which I had no idea existed when I first met him. I was a free agent, the world was at my feet, now Ive decided on a path and went on with it. and just now backtracking into ''i am committed to being with you'' ... its a little too late. I should have made that commitment years ago, and we should have gone on this path together. I left him behind. Or I went the wrong way. I dont know, but all i know is i looked and he was no longer WITH me.

He wants to go somewhere else, and I SAY I want to go with him. I SAY I understand. but I think he knows me well enough - and loves me well enough - to know that I am just saying that. He knows that I have two options - go on with my path and find my security (which is my own childhood issue, more on that later) or go with him and rock and roll again, like we did a long time ago. And now he won't take me back, won't listen to me, won't care that I love him and I want to go with him. He wants me to go on.

I dont want to. I want to be with him. Today that is how I feel. Its irrational, not ''SMART", not secure, but there are things your soul calls out for that don't make sense at all. Maybe, a few weeks out, I will change my mind and think, like all those girls who have broken up with their boys -- ''oh, it was all for the best''. BEST of WHAT? best for who? that part doesn't make sense to me right now.

I am praying that one of two things will happen. One, we will work this out. He works himself out, I work myself out and find we can find a happy middle somewhere. And take the rest of the path together. If that cannot happen, I pray that this will make sense to me someday and I will look back and still love him, but know that this was ALL FOR THE BEST. That sucks, just typing that.

the RESET button

writing this in the last few days of an adult chickenpox attack, 2 weeks after breaking up with my boyfriend of nine years, and in the middle of a professional crisis.

hello mid-life.

there's a RESET button somewhere and I accidentally pushed it, and now I won't boot up. I don't know anymore, who I am.

This blog, I hope, can help me get there. Writing always helps :)

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