Cliches

I am at the denial stage i think (thats a cliche right there)

Id like to think that at some point this will all get better and everything will be back to normal -- but a more enlightened normal. I am shifting back and forth between ''that's it, this will just not work out and im lucky to have been given this exit'' to ''this is just a test and we will get better and we will get back into the groove and have that life I always thought we would''

its highly confusing. i know no one is reading this, but if anyone is, I can hear you think ''she's one of those girls who can't help but keep falling for bad boys'' - cliche, but I hear it all the time. And everytime I hear it - from people's snide remarks about being with someone with no job, to concerned friends wanting me to ''take care of myself'', it sounds so REMOVED from the reality of the relationship. Maybe I'm as deluded as the person I wrote to in my last post. I hope not.

I just need to learn from this experience and stop PLANNING things. PLAN PLAN PLAN. I need to get back to that version of me that sticks her finger in the air and decides what to do based on vibes. So far my vibe is.....I dont even know. I cant even read it. DAMMMMMN.

Here it is. My vibe is, I will always look for him. Always. If not me, my soul will. There is dark alleyway off to the side, where I have been given an entrance to walk through and it leads to I DONT KNOW WHAT. I have two fears as to where it leads. (1) It leads to me eventually compromising what my soul wants and settling for a FABULOUS life with some guy because that is what society wants me to do. (2) It leads me to dying alone in my home with my turtle.

The thing is, the other path, is also not so SAFE. At this point, I have no idea if he will break down again. I have no idea if I will end up 35 years old and look back, and wish I went down the alleyway. All I know is that my Soul feels at home. And I am here, making a home, and it does not feel right without him.

Deluded, deluded.