That Boy

c'mon. im a girl, and no matter how ''independent'' i think i am or make myself to be, in the end it boils down to the boy that i love. and thats the problem

he is beautiful, troubled, intelligent, and all over rock n roll. I fell in love hard and fast and haven't stopped falling in love since. we have been together for YEARS now. YEARS. and it feels like he's a new boy, you know, how excited you are to see your new boy?

we were going to get married. at least, i really thought so. that was the dream, a whole life ahead together, not the goddamn WEDDING, but the life together was super duper exciting. in retrospect it may have been something we did to get somewhere, we have been floating along for years and not really going anywhere. i could have floated along forever with that guy.

but the important thing in getting married, is that you are two WHOLE people getting married. that was not the case here. we were both kind of HALF and even if Im all into my career and Ive advanced in leaps in bounds in what I was doing with my life, he was stuck somewhere in 1999. Like one of those out-of-college people who take four years deciding what they want to do and in the meantime are in limbo? CUTE when you are 20. A little difficult at 33.

I knew it. All these CAREER moves and fixing my life and trying to be part of the establishment was going to drive us apart. Not because i was making more money. that was not the issue. It was because i am exposed to a world of stability and security which I had no idea existed when I first met him. I was a free agent, the world was at my feet, now Ive decided on a path and went on with it. and just now backtracking into ''i am committed to being with you'' ... its a little too late. I should have made that commitment years ago, and we should have gone on this path together. I left him behind. Or I went the wrong way. I dont know, but all i know is i looked and he was no longer WITH me.

He wants to go somewhere else, and I SAY I want to go with him. I SAY I understand. but I think he knows me well enough - and loves me well enough - to know that I am just saying that. He knows that I have two options - go on with my path and find my security (which is my own childhood issue, more on that later) or go with him and rock and roll again, like we did a long time ago. And now he won't take me back, won't listen to me, won't care that I love him and I want to go with him. He wants me to go on.

I dont want to. I want to be with him. Today that is how I feel. Its irrational, not ''SMART", not secure, but there are things your soul calls out for that don't make sense at all. Maybe, a few weeks out, I will change my mind and think, like all those girls who have broken up with their boys -- ''oh, it was all for the best''. BEST of WHAT? best for who? that part doesn't make sense to me right now.

I am praying that one of two things will happen. One, we will work this out. He works himself out, I work myself out and find we can find a happy middle somewhere. And take the rest of the path together. If that cannot happen, I pray that this will make sense to me someday and I will look back and still love him, but know that this was ALL FOR THE BEST. That sucks, just typing that.